Transparency Versus Honesty in Affair Recovery

"I just need you to be honest with me."

If you are facing broken trust in your relationship after the aftermath of an affair, that statement has probably been spoken in some shape or form. Honesty is crucial in repairing trust after an affair. However, honesty alone is not enough. What truly rebuilds trust is the combination of honesty and transparency. Let me explain the differences and why the existence of transparency is a crucial part of how honesty becomes a vessel towards rebuilding trust.

Example 1: Honesty

"Did you go out with your affair partner in the evenings?" Asked the betrayed partner.

"Yes I did." Replied the betraying partner.

This is honesty. The affair partner is being truthful in answering the question, however, a response like this is often not enough to rebuild trust. It is missing transparency, because there are no details around the events or information to help make sense of the decisions made by the betraying partner.

Example 2: Honesty & Transparency

"Did you go out with your affair partner in the evenings?" Asked the betrayed partner.

"Yes, I did. During that time I was wrestling with facing my own insecurities, hurts and anxieties. To escape I would go out each night with my affair partner, who I worked with. We would meet at Applebee's alone, and listening to my affair partner's interests, needs and adventures often left me feeling further from my own pain."

This is honesty & transparency. The affair partner expanded. They not only were honest, but they provided context and information about what they were doing and why they chose to engage in the affair in a way that doesn't blame the betrayed partner for their actions.

Honesty alone still gives room to hide. Honesty alone can give ample room for shame to function in the way it naturally does; leading people to hide and isolate. Hiding information does not help create the accountability necessary to rebuild trust. That's why transparency is needed in order to bring difficult details to the surface so that accountability is possible and freedom from shame can begin to take place.

The degree of transparency needed in each relationship may look different across couples. Some couples need more details shared in order to repair trust, while others may not want as many details. And that's okay. What is important is that there is a willingness to engage in transparency and honesty to the degree that helps rebuild trust for the needs of your relationship together.

As Brene Brown puts it, "We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known." 

Vulnerability is necessary for intimate connection. Transparency is a large part of what it means to be vulnerable and is a required ingredient for trust to rebuild in affair recovery. Learning how to become transparent is not always easy, but worth it, rewarding, healing, and necessary for having a lasting and intimate relationship.

If you and your partner find yourself in this position today, trying to navigate healing and transparency, I would love to meet you both where you are at in this journey. Feel free to request an appointment for couples counseling or contact me with any questions. I would be happy to help.