Why So Fixated? Why Does My Spouse Get so Focused on Me in Moments of Disconnection?

Scenario 1: You both find yourselves at it again, disconnected, arguing and frustrated. You both seem to have this ability to become laser focused on what the other is doing and the blame game starts. Accusations begin to fly around about the motives, heart and intentions of your spouse. Your spouse does the same back and the cycle goes on. You both find each other so fixated on each other's behavior, interpreting it, and passing off blame in a possible effort to try to say 'Hey! Can't you see how your behavior is impacting me here?!' You are both STUCK trying to point out what the other person is doing or not doing right to help them understand your position.

Throughout this cycle you might be wondering, 'Why does my spouse continue to just hone in on what I do wrong and giving their interpretation of me that is truly not accurate about my intentions or who I am as a person?!' You feel frustrated, maybe even fed up continuing to be the sole focus of your spouse, certainly not in a positive fashion.

Scenario 2: You share and open up and your spouse is incredibly present and is working really hard to understand you and feel your feelings, however, you never really feel let in to their world. While it feels nice to be your spouse's focus, you also feel left on the outside of their emotions and feelings.

I want to help give some perspective in this blog as to why you both may get so stuck being fixated on each other.

Outward Focus Can Be Inward Coping: First let's get clear, outward focus is when you keep your attention more fixated on the actions, behaviors and feelings of your spouse way more than touching on your own internal experience. As shown in the scenarios above, outward focus can show up as blame, fault-finding, interpreting your spouse, or as empathy and understanding. When we become so focused on the other person and what they do, say and feel, it is not uncommon that keeping our focus outward and away from ourselves is an effort to cope with the discomfort inside. When blaming is the route of outward focus it may be in an effort to alleviate your discomfort by trying to get the other person to recognize and understand their impact on you. When empathy is the route of outward focus it may be with an intention that if I love that other person as much as I can, they will feel better, and as a result my own discomfort will feel better.

Now, these probably aren't explicit thoughts you are having in these sorts of moments about why you are blaming or empathizing, because these personal protective moves are often really automatic. However, in both scenarios blame or empathizing can be round about ways to soothe internal pain & discomfort, but from arms length and never really by fully inviting your spouse in to see your pain clearly.

If you fixate on your spouse and notice that you spend more energy focusing on the behaviors and feelings of your spouse, but minimally touch your own pain directly or even access it for yourself, then take some pause and check in with yourself. A helpful question to ask to dig into the root of why you both may fixate on each other is, "If I don't hone in on and highlight their behavior, or if I give space to talk about my feelings along with empathizing with them, what am I concerned will happen to me or the relationship?" Understanding the function of the fixation can help bring clarity to the pain point you are trying to cope with in moments of disconnection, which may help you be able to more clearly communicate that with your spouse.

If you find yourself stuck in your relationship, unable to get out of the whirlwind of fixating on each other as a means to be heard or soothe your own discomfort with uncomfortable emotions, marriage counseling can help loosen this knot in your communication pattern. Feel free to reach out to us if you need help in your marriage.