If We Were Truly Compatible, We Wouldn’t Struggle: A Big Misconception & Why Even the Best Couples Face Challenges | Guest Blog

Written By

Giselle Ortiz, LMFT, LMSW-Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist 

“Maybe we’re just not meant to be.” It’s a thought that crosses the minds of many couples I’ve worked with, especially during or just after a heated argument. It’s typically after another misunderstanding, an unresolved fight, or during the growing sense of disconnection, that neither person feels like they can fix. 

There’s this common belief that the right relationship should feel effortless. That if you and your partner were truly meant to be, you wouldn’t struggle to communicate, wouldn’t argue over the same issues, and wouldn’t feel lonely, even when sitting right next to each other. 

Maybe you’ve started to wonder, should love really feel this hard? Shouldn’t the right relationship come with more ease, more certainty, more understanding? You’re missing the days when connection felt effortless. No matter how hard you try, the same arguments keep happening, the same hurts keep resurfacing, and the distance between you two continue to grow wider. The questions then get louder in the back of your mind: what if this is just who we are and it never gets better? Am I asking for too much? Why don’t they understand me? Are we slowly falling apart? Would we both be happier if we.… just let go? 

But what if I told you—natural struggles in a relationship does not necessarily mean you’re with the wrong person. They mean you’re in a real relationship; a relationship that invites the opportunity for growth, healing, and deeper intimacy—but that’s if you both can come together to learn how to navigate it. 

As a couples therapist, I honestly have much more concern for the couples that claim to NEVER have disagreements…. like EVER. Yes, while some couples might not argue in the traditional sense or they may have a way of managing their differences calmly, disagreements are a natural part of any relationship. This is because each person has different opinions, needs, values, outlooks and preferences in some shape or form. It’s simply inevitable. The thing is, navigating those differences are a part of building a strong foundational relationship. 

Unrealistic Expectations 

So where did we get the idea that love should be effortless? 

For many, it starts early. Fairy tales, romantic movies, and social media highlight the ‘perfect relationship’—where partners just “click” and the love flows easily. We rarely see the hard conversations, the uncomfortable emotions, or the raw vulnerability that real relationships require. 

Then—there’s the misconception behind “soulmates”—that if two people are truly meant for each other, they should instinctively understand one another’s needs, without any of the effort. This belief sets couples up for disappointment, making normal struggles feel like red flags rather than natural relationship growing pains. Couples start having difficulty in deciphering, which are the natural relationship growing pains versus which pains are they meant to walk away from. 

The reality? Deep connection isn’t about never struggling. On the contrary, even in moments of conflict, deep connection can grow. This can be done in a healthy way too, if navigated with both partner’s willingness to understand and support each other’s emotional needs. 

Here’s The Truth You Need To Know 

True compatibility isn’t about never fighting or always agreeing. It’s about how well you and your partner can navigate conflict while staying emotionally connected. 

Every couple—no matter how in love—will encounter moments of misunderstanding, frustration, and emotional distance. That’s because love doesn’t erase differences in communication styles, personal triggers, or past wounds. What truly makes a relationship work isn’t the absence of struggle, but the ability to turn conflict into connection. That is where the growth lays. Where it feels like the both of you can lean in and count on each other, to see the struggle as something you can explore and tackle together, as a team, and not fall into the trap of attacking or dismissing each other in that process.  

When couples fall into negative cycles of blaming, criticizing, withdrawing, and shutting down, it’s oftentimes a sign of deeper emotional needs that aren’t being expressed or understood. Beneath each fight, there is a sense of fear, hurt, or a longing that is going unseen. 

The difference between couples that fight and grow closer versus couples that fight and continue to grow apart, is whether they feel emotionally safe enough in their relationship to repair their disputes. It really comes down to how couples respond to each other’s emotional needs. 

Keep in mind: 

• We all carry attachment wounds. The way we learned to connect in childhood shapes how we handle closeness and conflict now. 

• Love languages and communication styles vary. You and your partner might express and receive love differently—leading to moments of feeling unseen or unappreciated. 

• Stress and life transitions affect connection. External pressures (work, family, past relationships) can impact how present and emotionally available you are to each other. 

The Final Takeaway 

The strongest of couples aren’t strong because they are the most ‘compatible.’ They are couples that approach conflict with curiosity, not with immediate defensiveness. They turn fights into moments of closeness by seeking to understand the underlying emotions driving their partners’ reactions. This curiosity invites deeper conversations about feelings and needs, rather than turning the situation into a battle of who’s right or wrong. Instead of assuming bad intentions of the other, they ask, “What’s really happening here?” and listen for the emotions underneath the argument. They prioritize emotional safety, and they embrace differences. They can turn toward each other, even when it’s hard. 

And if you find yourself caught in the same painful cycles leaving you both feeling stuck, unsure or disconnected from one another, I’d like for you to know that there is a way forward. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) offers a roadmap towards building a relationship where both partners feel deeply safe, valued, seen, and loved in a way that will nurture the secure relationship you both may be longing for. In the end, remember, real love isn’t about avoiding the struggles, it’s about learning how to struggle together. 

I invite you to share your thoughts on this piece with us! 

Giselle Ortiz is the owner of Harmony Marriage and Family Therapy serving New York and Florida residence through a convenient HIPAA secure telehealth platform. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Master Social Worker and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, who is passionate about helping couples heal, and find their way back to each other.

If you live in New York or Florida and find yourself feeling disconnected and struggling in your marriage, feel free to contact Giselle Ortiz by website, email or phone seen below. Don't forget to follow her for more supportive content on her Instagram and Facebook pages!

Phone: (516) 206-3117 

Email: giselleortiz.counseling@gmail.com 

Website: www.harmonymarriageandfamilytherapy.com 

Social Media (Instagram): @Harmony_eft_therapy 

Social Media (Facebook): Harmony Marriage and Family Therapy PLLC 

If you are a Connecticut resident and need marriage counseling to help strengthen the bond in your relationship and learn how to handle conflict well, feel free to contact Plumeria Counseling PLLC, we would love to help you!