What You Shouldn't Do in Affair Recovery: The Truth Drip

You and your partner are working through recovering after the aftermath of infidelity. Trust has been shattered, hearts broken, and shame amplified. You don't know what to do next or know if healing is even possible and may wonder if you are both walking out this journey the 'right' way. Or at least in a way to not make things worse after the worst has already happened. I want to share with you an action that cripples the process of rebuilding trust and security after an affair, that I often call the truth drip.

What is a truth drip?

It's simply this; either the affair has been discovered by the betrayed partner or it was voluntarily disclosed by the betraying partner. HOWEVER, the whole truth and the extent of what has happened is not fully disclosed at the forefront. Instead, the truth, is dripped out over time. And it often only comes out when the betrayed partner is digging deeper for more information through questioning or by discovering through other means (e.g. other people, phone records, social media, etc.). The truth is trickled out over time. With each drip, the trust recovered up to that point is often eroded and in a worse place than it was at the initial discovery/disclosure. You can imagine just how damaging this is if it continues to occur over several years!

Why is this so damaging?

It continues to leave the betrayed feeling like they won't ever fully know the full truth, that there is always something else waiting to come out of the shadows. A relationship will continue to crumble if there is no trust, and there can be very minimal trust rebuilt when there isn't transparency. The betrayed may also feel that their payrtner isn't willing to take all steps necessary to heal the relationship. The truth drip can leave the betrayed feeling like their pain and devastation isn't fully understood, cared for and that it is more important for their partner to take care of their own pride and feelings before their own. The affair alone already speaks volumes about not feeling cared for or mattering for the betrayed...truth dripping only compounds that feeling. It often sends the message that "Hiding from my shame and pain after betraying you, is more important than meeting your needs to feel safe and secure. I am not willing to risk my own emotional comfort to give you safety, even though I hurt you." Also, without transparency it is hard for the betrayed to know fully what they need to heal from and what to forgive.

"But I'm afraid if my partner knows everything it's going to hurt them more. I want to protect them."

Respectfully, the affair alone often strips the betrayed from feeling like their partner ever cared to protect them. Using 'protection' as the reason for not being transparent is likely not going to be believed by the betrayed. In my experience working with couples and individuals in affair recovery, majority of betrayed partners would much rather hear the full truth and witness the one who has betrayed them take that vulnerable step to expose it all. Naturally, in the unknown, a part of us is going to be trying to make sense of the darkness, and 'fill in the blanks' with our own narrative. The betrayed is often going to be filling the unknown with painful thoughts about what has happened. Leaving them in the dark leaves them not only in their pain of catastrophic thoughts as they try to make sense of what happened, but it can also leave the betrayed feeling limited in how to move forward and protect themselves. It might feel scary and hard to believe for the betrayer, but withholding information is not going to protect the betrayed, it will only hurt and erode the path towards recovery.

"I'm afraid if my partner knows everything, then they will absolutely leave."

What makes a secure relationship, is having full trust in your partner, that they will show up for you consistently when you call. That they are accessible to you and that they respect you. An affair strips that from the relationship. An affair breaks into territory that the betrayed partner never agreed to or consented as something that they would be okay with experiencing in the relationship. With that said, one of those most loving actions that can be done by the one who stepped out is to be fully transparent and give their betrayed partner the space and allowance to leave if that is what they choose. The fear of losing your partner of course can be there, but to strip them again of their ability to have necessary information vital for protecting their emotional well-being and to make an informed decision about what to do next, is only going to compound the pain they feel from the affair.

What if the betrayed doesn't want to know everything?

Each person has their own needs for what they feel they need to know in order to heal. Some people do want minimal information, while others need more. The important part here is for the betrayer to let the betrayed make that decision around their own limits and not for the betrayer to assume and decide where those limits are without hearing from the betrayed first. In those initial disclosures around an affair, that may look like expressing, "I want to be fully transparent around this infidelity and my actions, I am willing to share the details with you and answer questions you have at any point. You are also more than welcome to tell me if there are details you don't want to know about and I will respect that too."

From the seat of a therapist who works with couples and individuals in affair recovery in high frequency, I strongly encourage full transparency at the beginning. The path towards recovery and healing trust (if both partners choose that path) is a lot better when the betrayer is willing to lay it all on the table from the beginning. If you have found yourself truth dripping, it is never too late to stop. Being fully transparent today is better than continuing to delay it. There is hope for you both in this place.

If you and your partner find yourself in this position today, recovering from an affair, or even trying to recover from the truth drip, I would love to meet you both where you are at in this journey. Feels free to request an appointment or contact me with any questions. I would be happy to help.