Couples Workshop or Couples Therapy? Which Should We Choose?

Right now you might be realizing that you and your spouse or partner need help and are researching different options. You might be finding a lot of different avenues for accessing help such as traditional couples therapy, retreats and workshops. With all this information out there it can sometimes feel difficult or overwhelming trying to decide what pathway would be the best fit for where the both of you are at in your relationship.

Here are some insights that may help you make a clearer decision about what resources may be most helpful for you and your spouse/partner.

First let's define the difference between a couples workshop and couples therapy:

1) Couples Workshops:

• Often focus more on giving you education and a framework to help you understand why difficult moments may happen in a relationship.

• Often provide tools & insights to help the both of you foster moments that breed connection between the two of you.

• May provide opportunities to independently practice skills with some support from the host.

• Often acts as a launching pad for couples to start moving in a new direction together by providing education and tools to help spur new ideas on how to show up for each other in the relationship.

• Often can provide a helpful foundation before entering into traditional couples therapy to do the deeper work.

2) Couples Therapy:

• Couples Therapy utilizing emotionally focused couples therapy is different from a workshop in that the process of therapy brings the both of you into doing the deeper emotional surgery together to create a secure attachment that a workshop cannot provide.

• Couples therapy works towards helping the both of you show up in a new way when the painful feelings are live and helps you practice new ways of communicating together, as well as understand the blocks in communication that show up when the both of you are trying something new.

• Couples therapy helps slow the both of you down to really begin to have a new experience, not just learn something new. Just like if someone knew a lot about piano, but never actually played it, their knowledge isn't going to make them a good piano player, it's going to be the practice they put into it, which will highlight what they need to work on in order to get better. The same is in our communication in our relationships, our knowledge will only get us so far, it's the practice and sometimes having a therapist to help give live feedback in the middle of practicing that can lead to improved connection.

One way to view the difference between a workshop and therapy would be like if you went to a workshop on personal fitness and weight lifting versus having a personal trainer coach you through the process of learning how to effectively lift weights. While you may be able to glean a lot of helpful information from a fitness workshop, putting it into actual practice might be really hard without unintentionally hurting yourself or not pushing yourself enough to actually reach your goals. A personal trainer will likely be knowledgeable about what your body needs, the correct form, how to assess where your current limits are, and how to help you meet your goals without hurting your body, which might be hard for you to identify on your own. In addition they provide the accountability you need to get to your goals.

Couples therapy with an emotionally focused couples therapist is similar to that. They will help create the safety and structure to help you both begin to put healthier communication into actual practice, and help identify what is actively happening in your communication that keeps you both from really hearing each other. A fitness trainer helps you take the practical steps to know how to go from lifting what your current baseline is to lifting your goal weight. An emotionally focused therapist helps you be able to take the practical steps to go from a place of miscommunication and disconnection to a place of being heard and understood in the places that are the most difficult. Tools from a workshop can be incredibly helpful, but sometimes there is so much that needs to be worked on in the in-between to be able to actually get to a place where you can really make those educational tools work well for you and your relationship. Couples therapy helps to slice it down thinner and take the real practical steps needed that we often bypass or don't even notice that we need to take for the relationship to improve. Many times in relationships implementing the helpful tools or homework assignments to build connection is like trying to jump from the ground to the top of a 500 ft cliff side. Of course we are going to get discouraged because we won't be able to do it! To get there we need a stairway. Couples Therapy is the process of building the stairway to get to the top of that cliff side together.

Here is a brief breakdown that may help you in deciding whether to utilize a workshop or therapy.

1) A workshop is a good fit if:

• You and your partner have a good foundation and are receptive to hearing each other already, but just need some new ideas. A workshop may be a great starting point for the both of you to just learn some new ways to deepen the connection.

• You and your partner want to better understand what leads to disconnection so you both can take preventative action in your relationship together.

• If you are already in therapy, but want to gain more education and some tips to bolster and compliment the deeper work you are both doing together in therapy.

2) A workshop is not the sole solution if:

• There has been an affair.

• There is active substance abuse/addiction.

• There is a history of abuse or active abuse.

• You have already read a lot of self-help material and you both are still stuck.

3) Couples Therapy is a great option at any stage in a relationship to hel

p discern your next steps together or meet the mutual goals you both share in with each other.

I hope this gives some helpful direction in your decision making! If you find yourself in need of couples counseling or a couples workshop, please contact us. We would be more than happy to help. We also provide free couples workshop opportunities as well, if you are are looking for a more feasible option as you start this journey together in your most important relationship.