If I'm Checked Out of My Marriage is Marriage Counseling Pointless?

Maybe you feel like you have tried really hard in the marriage to make it work and yet you still feel far apart. You might be at a point that many people have found themselves in where they just feel incredibly burnt out from the pain, hurt and effort that comes with trying to repair the gap between you and the person who matters to you. You could very well find yourself in a place where a part of you feels absolutely done trying and you feel incapable of letting your partner or spouse in anymore.

It's not uncommon when one person burns out and is at a point where they feel ready to leave, that their partner or spouse is now really wanting to try to heal the relationship so they don't lose you. They might even be wanting to attend marriage counseling with you now.

However, you are likely experiencing a really valid concern, is marriage counseling just going to be a waste of time if I don't have the drive to make this work anymore?

I want to help provide some thoughts on how marriage counseling can still be helpful even if your initial goal isn't that you want the relationship to continue, or you feel on the fence whether you will have the ability to participate in the work in order for healing to happen.

1. Marriage Counseling Doesn't Require that Your Goal is to Stay Together: A large part of marriage counseling is to create safety to better understand the hurts that have led up to this place where you may be feeling on the fence, checked out and done. You don't 'fail' marriage counseling if the outcome for your marriage isn't staying together. There are circumstances and scenarios where the types of hurts that have accrued have calcified so much, that for you, you might acknowledge that a part of you just is not able to take the necessary emotionally risks needed to repair that bond. Marriage counseling can help confirm this for you.

   
   

2. Marriage Counseling Can Provide Thoughtful Closure to a Marriage: The process in therapy, utilizing emotionally focused couples therapy, helps bring closure and clarity to your decision to either leave the relationship or stay. Doing this work together can help the both of you make hard decisions for the relationship in a very thoughtful way that gives you both more confidence and ease about the decision you are about to make in the marriage. Being thoughtful and gaining healthy closure for a marriage is also incredibly important for your own personal healing if leaving is the path that is chosen.

   
   

3. You Feel Burnt Out, BUT Marriage Counseling Might Reignite Hope: Sometimes there is more fight in us left for a relationship than we realize. Even if you feel burnt out and checked out in your marriage, you might find that in the process of couples counseling there are changes happening that you didn't know you both could achieve together. Your hope may be reignited in the process as you begin to discover a part of you that is curious and willing to continue to try something new together in therapy.

In the end, making the decision to stop showing up in the marriage or even decide to divorce is a huge decision to make. It is not a decision to make lightly. If you feel checked out, marriage counseling will only help provide you with opportunities to gain confirmation for yourself, and confidence in your decision, as to whether you decide to stay in or leave the marriage.

If you find yourself on the fence in your marriage, hesitant to try marriage counseling, but are needing to gain clarity on what the path forward looks like, feel free to contact us.  We would love to help you both gain a clearer direction for your marriage in a thoughtful way.