Was the Affair MY Fault? // After the Affair

You’re crushed, your spouse or partner has had an affair and you feel absolutely devastated.  You feel betrayed.

After the affair, a part of you might be trying to make sense of why the affair happened.  Like others in your shoes, you may wonder, ‘Was I not enough? Did I do something wrong? Is there just something wrong with me? Am I the reason why my partner had an affair? Maybe I wasn’t interesting enough, fun enough, or sexual enough?’ You might even hear the blame from your partner, them pointing out things in you that led them to an affair…and that is absolutely devastating to hear. 

In this blog I want to help this part of you that might be feeling heavily responsible or to blame for your partner stepping out.  

1. The affair was NOT your fault: First, before I touch on the following point, I want to make clear that the affair is NOT your fault.  I have heard often that affairs are due to a communication breakdown. Unfortunately this can be heard by a betrayed partner that they hold part of the fault for the affair because of their flaws in communication. I want to affirm that your flaws in communication are not the reason for your partner's affair. Could your flaws in communication have been hurtful to your partner, absolutely. BUT that doesn’t make you at fault for the affair they chose to act on. The decision your partner made to step out of the relationship in this way is their decision and it’s not because of you. There are many other ways they could have decided to cope with the pain and discomfort they were feeling.

2. The affair is a decision to cope with pain: The emotional pain your partner could have been experiencing could have been felt in moments of communication breakdown between the both of you. However, often, the affair is not just a way of coping with the pain felt in the relationship, but it’s also coping with deeper emotional wounds and pains that have likely existed long before you came into the picture. Communication breakdown can certainly bring to the surface more raw the emotional wounds and pain they feel, but again even with that, the affair is not your fault. An affair often points to a deeper emotional wound a person is coping with that they need to work towards healing in themselves and not rely on a romantic partner to fix in them. Saying the affair is a way of coping is not to justify the behavior or make it acceptable, but rather it can help the one who was betrayed understand that the decision their partner made to have an affair is more about their own personal wounds than it is about their partner not ‘measuring up’ in their eyes. An affair can be understood, but understanding a behavior does not make it then justified or acceptable. 

In an affair situation it is possible to hold both in hand, that it’s possible to not communicate perfectly in the relationship (because no one is perfect), and also not be the reason for the affair happening. It would be horrible to blame a physical abuse victim that their ‘communication breakdown’ with their spouse is the reason for being physically abused.  Hearing a comment like that would immediately set off red flags in a person. The red flags should also immediately raise when blame is being placed on the betrayed partner for their spouse or partner having had an affair.  If you have been betrayed, I want to share that this doesn’t define you and who you are. It is an expression of strength in your character by being able to own your own missteps while also knowing what is not yours to carry…and holding fault for your spouse or partner's affair is not yours to carry. 

If you find yourself in this place today, trying to make sense of the affair. You don’t have to walk this out alone. Feel free to contact me by phone (860-791-4688), by email (elizabeth@plumeriacounseling.hush.com), or by booking a FREE 15 minute consultation.