Softening Defenses in Your Relationship: Tool 1 - Curiosity

You find yourself reaching for your partner. You tell them the circumstances around what hurt you and what they did that was painful for you. Then you notice them shift, maybe their body language changes and you already know you're going to be met with defensiveness. A part of you already knows it's going down this path where you're going to hear your spouse/partner defend themselves again, your going to feel left and unheard and then you might also get defensive in an effort to be heard - for your pain to make sense to your spouse/partner.

You both might feel like it's impossible to get out of this pit where nobody gets heard and you both end up feeling further apart than you were before.

I want to share one powerful tool that can help soften defenses; curiosity.

Remaining curious is no easy feet, because it requires that your own needs are asked to sit back momentarily while you give full attention and space for the pain of your spouse/partner. Parts of you may want to jump in to prove your intentions in an effort to show them where you are coming from to try and alleviate their pain. You might be thinking that if you can just clarify your intentions, then they will understand where you were coming from and they won't feel hurt anymore. Your motive makes so much sense, however, sometimes when we start to defend our position immediately, the hurting spouse/partner often feels left and dismissed.

Curiosity helps us disarm our defenses, and gives more room and space to lean in and tend to the parts of our partner/spouse that need care giving in that moment. It is hard for curiosity and defensiveness to exist at the same time. When we can remain curious about our partner's pain, it can help prevent them from feeling unheard and left.

What can curiosity look like? It can look as simple as saying "Tell me more."

For the part of you that might be worrying that you won't ever get an opportunity to be understood if you remain curious, your willingness to become curious may actually help provide more opportunities where your partner/spouse feels safer to remain curious with you in your pain. In my experience with couples, I have noticed that as couples feel safer to remain curious about each other's pain, they end up having more opportunities together where they begin to give room to hear each other out. So I encourage you:

Step into Courage to be Curious.

If you find that you and your partner/spouse have a difficult time remaining curious about each other's hurts and are looking for marriage counseling, I would be more than happy to walk along side the both of you in this journey. I would love to help the both of you strengthen your ability to connect and soften defenses through my experience in emotionally focused couples therapy. Feel free to contact me to schedule a session or ask questions.